i saw Balreet in a dream last night, clearer and more certain then ever before. I rushed out to her and I cried and held her legs and cried and put my head on the floor and said I was sorry and cried and cried and cried. I told her i was sorry because I was drowning in the knowledge that if I had done something different, some deviation or departure on the grand tapestry of possible worlds, one change or ten thousand, she might still be here, and I could call her up and talk to her and send her memes and hear her thoughts and share our hopes.

I don't know how i can go on. the world is all wrong without her.

the only thing that makes sense is to keep re-re-reading Terra Ignota.