Starting this autumn, we at St@rbucks™ are proud to be now introducing an entirely new way of roasting, drinking, and relating to coffee! This full new breed of coffee: BloödRoast Beans™! Bloödroast will include all of your our favorite types of coffee Beans: Regular Beans, Dark Beans, Pale Beans, Blonde Beans, Albino Beans, See-Thru Beans, Metalic Beans, and Extra Blonde Beans,* all roasted BloödRoast Style™. But what is BloödRoast Style™, you ask, naïvely, Näy, foolishly, your voice quavering in suspense.

Well!

Well.

The entire lineup of BloödRoast Beans™ comes roasted in the blood of very special children who never learned how to tell the difference between nightmares and their own reality! The roasting process, which irrevocably condemns all those involved in the production to an eternity in Hell, helps to enhance the sharp, chocolaty-fruitiness for which St@rbucks-brand coffee has become (in)famous!

Coffee brewed from these beans is said (off the record) to brutally enhance focus and eliminate the need (and capacity) for sleep, at a rate of several hours and/or decades per serving! Focus groups composed of hostages unanimously agreed that drinking even just 30 to 40 shots of espresso made with BloödRoast Beans™ gave them access to a hardnosed, manic-edged rage which most had not experienced since early toddlerhood, and that it imparts visions of.

Going forward, BloödRoast Beans will sell for 6¢ more per shot of espresso, but for a Limited Time Only** St@rbucks rewards members who have not purchased BloödRoast™ beans will be charged 6 cents for every bean that they don't consume. This is a fun way to incentivize us all to give this exciting new treat a try!

A WARNING from the OFFICE of the WITCHFINDER GENERAL:

Drinking an excess*** of BloodRoast Coffee may entail certain side effects. These side effects include, but are not limited to:

paranoia (permanent, probably)
irritability
partial aphasia (Temporary, yfG dayears)
total aphasia
sleepwalking
double aphasia (whgeiwo ewnoif ewhvio vwn)
alexithymia
fluency in romanian
weird yodeling (Don’t Ask)
sleepjogging
immunity to electricity
total lack of the ability to speak any language other than romanian
fear of the Sun
desire for the Moon
Anxiety (General trivia)
distrust of the Celestial Spheres
the delusional belief that one has become immune to electricity
sleepimpulse shopping
the ability to understand the timeless songs of the Celestial Spheres (mostly composed of creepy victoria nursery rhymes)
sleepkidnapping
turning all of your teeth (and bones) vermillion (Temporary, 4-6 days)
tot ce citesti pare a fi in romana si nici macar nu vorbesti romaneste. La naiba, doar norocul tău, am dreptate?
small, irritating flecks of vermillion peeling off your teeth (and bones) (Temporary, 8-25 weeks)
You hear the voices calling to you. Isn’t the Sun terrifying?!, they say. And isn’t the Moon Beautiful?! If only the Moon were plotting against you, then you could hear what he sounds like…………………c’est la vie.
sleeptaxfraud
generally rank vibes
your teeth (and bones) have partially turned back to their normal color, like 30% of the way there to being their normal white/yellow/whatever color living bone is, when instantaneously they change from vermilion/white/yellow/whatever to bloodblack (Permanent, notwithstanding certain experimental and profoundly excruciating surgeries)
interpreting text and/or speech as if We Are Talking Directly To You And Only You, Do Not Tell Anyone
having a not very nice time
sleepwarcrimes
sneezing
sleephypnotizing (yourself)
sleephypnotizing (others)
being bad at bowling (just kidding, you were already bad at bowling, but it will fuck with your depth perception like crazzzzy)
What are they Saying? What are the voices saying to you? Are they talking about Me? Those F*cking Voices Better Not Be Talking About ME Behind MY BACK
sleep hypnotizing (others, such that they sleephypnotize you back
vice versa (all of the above)

*BloödRoast Beans will not be available in Decaf, because Decaf is Stupid. Seriously, just drink less espresso or water it down, idk idga$hit, all St@rbucks Decaf options are hereby canceled immediately. don’t @ me

**Actually this change will be permanent. lmfao gt fckd

***Defined as “Any at all, seriously stay away from that stuff, even thinking about it for more than like, a minute or something could be irrevocably ruinous to your physical and spiritual health.”