🪐🪄26 Sebastuary 2023 🌔 Catfish Moon 🐟 339 Fructidor CCXXXI 🍇Day 9932 🌆🐉

my leave of absence ended on the 14th of Sebastuary but i have a very punative boss and he's refused to give me any shifts so far. i had my first day back at work covering someone else's shift at a different cafe, and I'm going in tomorrow again but the pay periods are every two weeks so I'm not even going to have that money till after rent is due 🙃

want to institute a weekly or moonthly feast to Circe. thinking Wednesday for Wands, Thursday for Cups, Saturday for Wands and Scythes, or Sunday for Wheels and being a daughter of Helios.

reading The Books of Jacob and The House of The Spirits. both are a lot SA wise. also On Freedom: Drug Fugue. ibid.

i think i need to take a break. maybe read the Monk and Robot book.

also reading Spectres of Marx. was going to try to pick back up in Politics of Expirence.

i fear what would happen to my partner and our cats if i died. in a car accident or an illness or an attack. i am afraid.

i hate my parents. mainly my father. i think maybe he dissociated my entire childhood. my existence, and my siblings, was his concession to my mother in exchange for her not to leave for someone who did want kids. he loathed me, and i doubt he has ever admitted that fact, ever realized it.

my mother is too bitter, now, i think, to be conscious of her abuse as such. she certainly doesn't care to learn enough to act like it.

I've been going back through my archives of my Dispatches.

I'm tired. work is exhausting. stressful. boring. tedious. scary. sad.

I'm trying to write.

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