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on chapter 12 of Perhaps The Stars, i may reread it again immediately, as i did with the set of Books 1-3. really moved by the chapter The God Who Rings The World, Posideon not simply the God of Oceans but Distance.

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Scorpio will soon overlap with Oriechthus, if it doesn't already ♏⛎

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here are some messages I've been drafting recently:

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5the last dozen times you visited me it has left me feeling depressed, anxious, hopeless, sick, and disassociated. these feelings often last more than a month after a visit.

you asked me for years whether i was abused even though i told you the question made me uncomfortable.

when i sent you a message on 1 June 2022 laying out simply that i want to re-build a relationship based on respect you said you don't understand the message. you continued demanding that i tell you about my abuse even though i specifically asked you not to make those demands.

later when i finally got the courage to confide in you you immediately called me a liar.

your husband has thrown a water bottle at my roommate's cat, so he does not feel safe around you two.

when i decline a visit you often show up anyway, so i feel trapped in my apartment for hours until you leave, which has caused me to miss work and be unable to get groceries and do errands. it also makes me feel incredibly guilt because i know driving such long distances at night is painful for you and dangerous. it takes away my agency and shows me my answer doesn't really matter one way or the other.

when i asked for access to my inheritance money from Grandma so that i can afford to not be homeless, you've used your power as executor to say no.

all i can do is hide and run and try to avoid making you angry. i don't have any agency in our relationship, and i don't know when an acceptable time for a visit would be because i don't know when, if ever, that lack of agency will change.

..

..

..

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currently I'm very depressed. i took some time off this summer to grieve for Belle and now my work place is punishing me for it. you won't let me access my inheritance money so i spend every day terrified of homelessness, unable to sleep or eat. a visit now would only stress me out more.

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last couple days have been really tough. lots of thought spirals, rumination , exhaustion

i have heard back that they will probably be deciding if i get my job back between the 24th and the first of December and I'm trying to find alternative work but it's really hard. I'm finding it hard to sleep cause I'm so anxious about paying rent. i think i will be using up all my remaining money helping Matteo with our credit card bill. meanwhile my mother keeps threatening to come see me whether i consent or not, often she will stock me outside of my apartment so i can't go outside or do errands or anything. i can't seem to do anything productive or maintain any kind of schedule.

also there's a boycott of Starbucks right now to protest their support for the Israeli apartheid so I'm not going there but they means pretty much my only safe food for the last 3 years isn't available anymore and I'm really struggling with that.

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i washed dishes, changed the litter (the blue litterbox needs more litter, didn't sift it Saturday :(

also went to see my coworkers and found out about how their recent strike went, i guess their new manager was not as nice as some had hoped.

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