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⛲ nymphs, naids, Atlastides, Ophanides

Dragon Maidens

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Urgent care to look at my foot?

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i hope i get unemployment $, i may have come just a dozen hours under the minimum

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being chronically unwell sucks.

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i don't have the spoons to explain to R the stuff he said that upset me partly cause i think I'll just end up having to defend the grounds on which I'm upset

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Self Harm is a kind of writing, a kind of speech, which tells us about how pathological subjects re-constitute ourselves in states of political exception, surviving and resisting our material contexts. by studying this literature, we gain a rad pov on subjectivity, resistance, solidarity, and love.

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ransome

pathology

Ransome note

hostage

surrendor

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when we ask, why do people self harm, we are asking a very tired question, one that's tred deep with tracts. our ideological anxieties dominate our long relied on doxa. in imitation of Melissa Gyra Grant, i am trying to pose oposite or anti-questions, i am trying to promote dialectic which *dis*articulate familiar naratives as well as charting

with Gira Grant, we have “why do people choose not to be sex workers,” instead of, “how could anyone voluntarily do this?” [find quote]

so here are 10 opositional questions about self harm.

1️⃣ why do people not cut?

this is a question I'm still asking about myself. i used to cut every 4 days, the inner side of one arm, then another 4 days, switch to the other arm, so that by day 8 one arm had had seven days to heal and the ritual can be repeated and (key) compared. would i go further this time, or in my disgusting weakness and traitorous regulation, choose not to cut so far.

2️⃣ what do people like about cutting

for me it always comes back to the color. there's no red more intense than the red of your sink or

3️⃣ who are they cutting for

here i mean specifically in the sense of grammar or theatre: whose the audience that interprets these acts.

sometimes i cut in empty theaters. that too is an audiance. it is common knowledge among thespians that every theatre is haunted. i don't know if Derrida discusses this specifically re the spectre in Hamlet. the ghost of the intensity of past shows, the anticipation and the thrill and the high, the neausiating terror.

Cicero all his life regularly vomited before and after speeches, from his early days as a lawyer through his consulship and beyond.

i was cutting for or through the framework of an abject becoming-apostate, my horror and fear and grief and self rage overcoming silence, a glass pitch shattered, the heuristic shards flying apart as theological essays, as conventionally understood but also essay in the sense of an attempt, an expiriment. if you hate yourself this much, if it's real and you're not just making up feelings (i remember my father humiliating me for displaying emotion, it was a constant anxiety, still is whenever I'm around him), then prove your despair. decorate your hated flesh with the marginalia of your pathos, sum up an account by hand of the hate you claim to have stored up in this wretched this carceral sphere of bone

so i set about proving to myself my self hated. it was not, and this is both obvious and impossible to prove, self evident. i don't think i could hate myself that much all at once. it took years of practice, decades of multiformed and evolving flagelation. cutting was probably the steepest curve.

paradoxically, this feels great, and not necessarily in a way to upend the apple cart and piss myself off, because more than great, before being after during and despite being both greater and more despairing than i could achieve without cutting, or other rituals of self destruction, it was transcendent. the hateful and paranoid and self despising accusing angel, drinking up the pain —because critical to this the pain does not go away, but no less is its substance changed

even before i cut, but upon deciding, making up my mind, that i would, on the way home to my apartment from a night class or a particularly moody night commiserating with uneasy friends, i would enter an angelic penumbra of relief

4️⃣ why cut more or less now, when do people cut and choose not to cut, what is the tempo of cutting, what does the rhytham mean to you

5️⃣

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pose an opposite question:

imagination