š§æš¦
yesterday was hard. car door won't open, think I missed šŖš» meds, but I found some notes I've been looking for. Franklin was really restless, played with him a bunch.
hate birthing my father. i think he showed up in a dream or 3 recently. also a neighbor who keeps trying to break into our apartment in my dream like birthing father would.
today:
doctors appointment
walk or drive to cafe
relax
sleep festival (š§æ)
FRAGMENTS DRAWN FROM DISPATCHES
July 27, 25:18. ā Ghost Traffic
I have been on a harsh voyage, I struggle with money, job insecurity, patchwork healthcare and hostile agents of the state every day. My depression is a rational reaction to the obstacles I encounter; when enemy fire is thick in the air, do you not keep your head down and scan for a pit?
{but just the same, i am keeping an eye out for a weapon.}
But I have become more resilient, I have learned subtle lessons and practiced until understanding bloomed its electric rhizomes under my skin.
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/b7uaxmlr2fwfs23kk4c2i6aegq7my2
hereās the thing about cutting: it works. thatās the perspective iām coming at it from. because both the vast majority of writing i read and even a lot of what iāve been writing this whole time operates at a second degree removal. like,, yes, we, the already-always-canāt-understand audiance, must nonetheless give credence to the idea that it might work for some weird, other people. And Iām sorry to inform the partisans of said-inclined demographic, but that asks for too little. Cutting works, and in some circumstances, having weighed some factors, it would be an easy choice for me to start cutting again. I know cutting works because iāve used it to save myself. What I want to find out are the [et& et cetera et xeno blah blah blah] around this premise.
This wasnāt always the case. for a long time, i approached this project as a rather more defensive exploration of the āpolitical meaningā of cutting, so here/sometimes at leaast I will try to steer clear of that mindset.
Not thatt this was an a prriori realization on my part. the point is that i used to belive along with much of the socialization/social imaginary/ideology/media that cutting was more or less incomprehensible, even/especially to those who do it, which is a really weird (mansplaining but forā¦neurodivergence? neurotipsplaining?) epistemic prejudice to project onto us.
I guess I would also like my work to help build towards an us, a political us, a self-understanding us, at an academic level, to supply some kind of political theory of cutting, or at least make some slashes at it (lol there might be a lot of freudian slips of the tongue/knife in this. lmao)
i have shared self-injurious behavior patterns with probably the only ER nurse who i donāt consider outright medically abusive to me (in the context of psychological crisis care). she read my scars and initially the pitty was neauseating, the recognition/classification.
my father had this idk in retrospect protestant work ethic individualsim that NOTHING about thwat people think of you matters, just be your (lonely angry miserly) unique (self private property rights owning) self. you are, after all, your own private property. but like, woah dude our bodies are the bodies of social creatures, you know not just wwith our āM I N Dā but with your brain, your chest fat (in my case), the muscle spasm of one knee and then the other, the guardedness of your hands and the grease of your tongue what other peopleās signals of what you mean to them and they mean towards you and for you and of you has a very ārealā very āmaterialā impact on you.
Anyway:
Cutting works
That ER nurse did just about the only thin i think anyone could have done to offer me any kind of solace in the cold dead sea everyone was getting read for ETMing. she casually rolled up her own sleave and remarked on how these cuts fade with a kinda exponential
diminishing return? idk diminishing return. even now, years after the last night, i can find crisscrossing thin white lines intradermal? subterranian white rivers under the topography of sunburns and arm hairs
but yeah this nurse showed me her own scars and it was like i dont remember her words so whose to say but i have the impression it was like, simultaniously and non-opposed/dialecticallly? monadically? idk, BOTH āthey can heal really (nicely? cleanly? subbtly)ā AND āthey donāt go away.
when you want to cut, and people teell you noooo dooonāt yoooourre (t/s)ooo sexxy
its an oof.
theey just tryy to take it away, most of the time, to stop it, negatee it, no, ignore itt,? pass it right by?
I donāt like the language of āpositivityā/positivism, and in some post-Marxist circles its become popular/new radical in a vaguely optomistic/empowering/celebratory type way to re-affirm/re-claim āthe positive,ā but to me it doesnāt work because the intervention of the negative is that, for me at least, the positive doesnāt even mean positive on its own, its naturalized to the point of meaning neutral existence, and only becomes proactively positive vis a vis the dialectic with the negative. and rather then reclaiming the positive i want to try to put the whole of the dialectic in the mad mouth
mad is so important. growing up i didnāt allow myself to be mad. growing ill i could see that sad stony resolve is really the only socially accepted way of being non-functional. and when i celebrate my expirences which are inseperable from my madness, it is policed, it is actioned- and beliefed-against. aand so also defying this policiing might not overcome it, or even directly move towards overcoming it, in the sense of abolishing it or changing it or even avoiding it, but that doesnāt mean its not important
Ā§
āAll of this is important.ā
#NHFP
Ā§
{c.r. The Scar, China Mievile}
āThe truth is we would all be better off if certain people didnāt exist. I think we all know wwho they are. I dodnāt need to list all their names and a`dresses (for us right now). but i will anywaay.
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/8pmns44wh7t98mpjl7uw7fbp99zfmt
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/27-fructidor-230
This week Iāve been continuing to listen to Bleed Out on a loop, especially iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii incandescent ruins, but also the one that goes john rambo never went to vietnam First Blood . yeah.
i want to do something in response to the album, i published an article earlier on incandescent ruins which is literally just a title the entierty of which is just a restatement of the sourceās title.
ā¦
.with big twist reveal books i often donāt think i should go back to them cause i' will know wha thte twist is (bold of u to assume i will know what the twist was just because i know what the twist was) all the while naively assuming i can instantaniously, automatically, unconciously retro-apply the info gained later back onto a perfect working memory (you hate perfect but not working memories) without notice or review. as reality would have it, only 3 percent of the way in iām already struck by the weight of what iād failed to re-measure. Giralimo is more tragic now that i have confimation that heās secretly a tragic demon trapped by self hate, because he is also so clearly trapped by his own self-rightiousness, which is very me, and very Jude
was going to try to go and finish politics of the mind but its mostly read and remember little to nothing. im not going to make myself read every text i find on an ever fluctuating circle around self harm, politics, meaning, writing, authoring, negotiating, creation, pain, agency, et cetera et cetera et cetera
ā¦
ā¦
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/29-fructidor-230
what if an evil demon is showing you reality as it is /as if there was no intermediary
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/1-sans-culottide-ccxxx-thesis-work
earlier i wrote about writing and cutting, cutting and writing, cutting as conquering the body like a page and making it your text, discociation, sociation association society dissociety disocisation dicoty
the demons cut, the demons practice ascetics, the demonic saints are to be most earnestly beseached, the demonic saints know things which God is not permitted to know, and which he knows nonethelesss, having vaulted the wall around the garden as a child carying a seeded pit pomigranite ā¦ with 13 seeds and swallowed one a night from the new moon to the full moon and saw many terrible thingsā¦
Gods, deities, daimons, demons, these too i have made myself, in letting my blood stop up the drain and congreal eccstatic and proud at least i can say
i tried very hard to look like i was trying.
yskr yt take margaret thatcher seriously when she says society doesnāt exist, shes says it doesnāt exist on logical or metaphysical grounds, thats interesting.
ā¦
cutting its a sign of toughness, a spirtiual exercise, a discipline thing, like martial arts, the art of martial art, the martiality of art
..
thesis as exegesis. notes on the bleeding text. Of the Bleeding Text, an exigesis
menifesto
poetics
political theology
yes yes yes thats an interesting angle, what is the political theology of cutting, what is the political theogy of the leviathn and self harm, self interest, interest rightly undersstood, thesee interests are not without their cotemporary counter examples, especially peasantry, nomadics, horticulturalsis, pā¦ the english had to colonize themselves as well.
how do we cease to be colonies.
..
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/jchezim1m7givxeytu9i1gb8iglnok
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/2-sans-culottide-ccxxx-freewrite
ā
sometimes i do still want to cut. itās an addiction that mostly goes to sleep afterāafter what, you get clean? that metaphor doesnāt really make sense when applied to drugs (*images of people getting their bloodstreams flushed with dish-soap, sending my brain through a carwash until all the wrinkles have been smoothed down nice and neat*)āafter a few months or so, at least in my case. but of course getting clean is even less applicable to cutting. with cutting the clean up is part of the ritual, was part, is part of the ritual, part of the art. you get everything nice and clean and laid out beforehand unless youāre really far gone before you even make a practice swipe or two or at the very least you put everything back the way you found it because there is an ethics to cutting as well as an aesthetic, and i never let anyone walk in on me or a mess Iād made in the bathroom (usually bathrooms, home bathrooms with a shower or better a bathtub, cause blood congeals real quick and it can be a pain to get it all to go down the drain of a sink even if you have the water on blast all while youāre doing it and after, when I would bandage myself up real nice and neat, I took a lot of pride in learning how to get my arms put away in the bandages and except for when I was really strung out and building up tolerance to it I would make sure I only had one arm or the other in full bandages at a time, and favor the other arm, which would be further along in the healing process, skin grows back quick and a week was usually longer then necessary for the bandages, except maybe when I took a razor blade to my skin and basically removed everything from the whole inside of my forearm, razor blades are second worst of all, better only then fingernails which is one I hope I never need to go back to) because you never know what shit other people might be going through, hell i had more than one friend during that time were former cutters, and there is honor among addicts and former addicts, much more honor then authorities or parents or medical professionals, except for the medical professionals who themselves used to cut, which Iāve met a couple of and they are always, in my limited experience, much more understanding and just generally chill about the whole thing, which only a couple of the very best therapists Iāve had even come close to matching, in overall understanding and patience and chillness and respect for the situation, people who understand that me cutting is actually a positive sign, since when I am at the point of cutting it isnāt even a matter of me not cutting and going about my day or me cutting and relapsing back into a cycle of cutting, but rather a matter of me cutting and cleaning myself up real nice and going about my day or me drinking one or two or one time almost three bottles of wine over the course of 20 or 35 minutes, and even that is still a survival strategy compared to other stuff.
ā
ā
I would like to learn about the evolution of pre-death behaviors. the way animals and I suppose other organisms as well get ready to die. because of course evolution shapes that kind of thing, the demands of evolution are of course not to live as long as possible and fuck as much as possible, but rather to make the likelihood that the next generation and succeeding generations which share even some of your gene matter (the condensed mode, or part of the condensed mode, of the species and the species-niche-being which through reproduction unfolds itself and sets about production of the next condensed mode) and so of course proximate death behavior is very important, in terms of disposal of the body and reduction of harm/maximization of benefits left over to offspring and siblings yes, but also other species members and even the overall ecosystem more broadly. and I would like to learn more about the development of pre-death behaviors among humans, partly with an eye to such behaviors that leave the door open for in case you survive the illness or injury or whatever and are re-admitted into the realm of the living, the ongoing. resurrections are always dicey, i was born not breathing and Iāve walked back from the cliff edge a few times, climbed twice back up from the face of the cliff after letting the gravel and the scree take my footing into its flow. i would like to understand myself better and maybe use that understanding to live better, and to die better, and to resurrect better too.
ā
but you get yourself cleaned up and put back together and if you have a walk in clinic (which I did then but wouldnāt now) you get them to look over everything within the first couple days to make sure things are coming along nicely, and usually theyāll get you to agree to sleep there for a night or two, which is a pain but often a good idea anyway, and for the nights when it really isnāt and youād be better off around friends or out drinking (I donāt regret any of those nights, its the nights I made myself wait and suffer that I regret, sometimes, some of the time, some of those times) then its usually though not always still worth it and anyway, if you agree at first and have learned how to perform mental wellness for them and stability, in the case of my nurses theyāre often happy to let you go on your own. its when they have already invoked magisterial powers, both informally and in the case of actually being committed (which admittedly isnāt always made formalized to your face) that things get really hard to untangle, both in my own expirence and in what Iāve researched.
ā
The doctor, the medical authority qua morality, qua judging the patient as having or not having agency and thus being a moral agent, as Foucault puts it in Madness and Civilization in the last chapter or 2, thatās what we are dealing with, and the sympathies and routines on the part of these figures, which vary significantly both historically (according to my academic research) and contemporary venues (according to my first hand research, my experience) make for vital components of the situation or context in which you cut and especially get put back together during and after cutting, the pains you have to or donāt have to take to go unnoticed or unremarked upon, the overall gestalt context in which takes place the rituals which surround and which are the cutting, and which a critical role is itself the clean up. and i am reminded that in the eucharist, there is no way to turn the body and blood of Kristos back into bread and wine, you have to store it in the tabernacle, which is āa fixed, locked box in which the Eucharist (consecrated communion hosts) is stored as part of the "reserved sacrament" rite. A container for the same purpose, which is set directly into a wall, is called an aumbry,ā and that I suppose is what the episcopal church i grew up going to services at had, and the priest would keep it there for when she (both of the priests who were commissioned to St. Markās were women for most of the years during which I was attending services, though I do remember substitute priests and so forth who were there as well) would take it on her rounds to the elderly and the sick who were too sick and too elderly to make it to services. This I thought was maybe a rip off a little bit, cause not being present for the initiation of the miracle, the moment of transubstantiation (or do the American Episcopalians call it consubstantiation, like our Anglican forbearers and cousins?) is rather the exciting part. but I guess if they run out of the Host (as in Lord of Hosts, armies, or the Host as in that which acts as vessel and vehicle for the Substance, in which case is the Substance (as opposeed to the Accidents, the outward characteristics of bread-ness and wine-ness) Symbiotic? or Parasitic??) is I supose multiplied, or renewed altogether, and thereās nothing to stop the priest (when I wanted to be a priest I fantasized about all the magic tricks and heterodoxical sacraments I would work in pursuit of my overarching ultra-orthodox (as in more-orthodox-then-you, Mom and Dad and bishops and old people who gave me the creeps and were always touching me and handling me and didnāt anyone know these creeps were sick, dying even?! how I hated them, I hated only myself more for the sins of pride and wrath and hatred and overall narcissisms which so often accompanies or precedes hyper spiritual episodes of mine) from just using any old bread the person being visited cause he or she or they were too sick to come into church for had lying around. They could use any wine, cheap gas station wine or salted cooking wine or manischewitz (which was the first thing I ever got drunk on, after trying it and liking the sweet taste at a Shabbat i attended, later, when I swapped episcopalianism-cum-methodism for Juddaism, thanks to my secular Jewish friendās invitation to celebrate Shabbat with the other jewish students, and I became an even more regular attendee for a while then him, and learned how to make challa, this was during the part of senior year when i stopped going to classes or maybe the first year of my leave, when I was ironically able to be more involved in campus life and partying and extracurricular events and so on then I ever was when i was in classes). The priest could just as easily use a really nice wine, say a dry 2016 Walla Walla Cab Sauv, or a 2017, which was technically lower quality due to its fruitiness and obviously one year less in the cellar but was nonetheless my drink of choice the summer-autumn I worked at a winery. and then the priest and the old infirm people to sick to come to church (not that they came to serve me when I had whooping cough or a torn acl or any number of conditions which prevented me from coming to church) could get drunk on the blood of a God, and how many people can say theyāve done that, and I remember when we were getting ready for our first communion, my sister and I and another girl from our age group, the older kids, the acolytes who had already gone through it, one of them, a troublemaker who I thought was so cool with his long dark hair and high rate of absence from services he was supposed to be an officiant in, and who I probably in retrospect had a crush or would have if I didnāt have to oppress everything homoerrotic except of course from my rather striking devotions to a similarly long haired trouble making more-devout-than-thou rabble rouser, whose face I drew obsessively and whose blood I drank, though his body I would store in the back of my mouth or under my tongue when they changed it to gluten free bread, and also I knew myself to be so infinitely corrupt and sinful that I would not dare sully my God with getting forgiven by him, because thatās why we canāt have nice things, and so instead I would take the offending bit of bread that everyone always fawned over as being sooo superior to the tasteless but unoffensive inoffensive white crackers (which I spat out less often but still most of the time, for probably gosh months and months) into the dirt of a little plant nearby the altar where people could write prayers in a little notebook and light candles and where you were supposed to leave money but I didnāt have any money and didnāt feel like involving those creeps my parents in my devotions, and so instead I would pray for and to the grey tabby cat named Mr. Misty who my parents abandoned when we couldnāt find him to put him inside before going on our vacation even though I begged to be left behind to look after him and his brother. I still see both of them in my dreams and I miss them, and it is they whose forgiveness my parents ought to beg for on judgement day, not me and certainly not any God who had the power to curtail their petty acts of abuse but couldnāt be bothered to. now I pray to the gods I build myself, to the spirits who visit me with love, to the holy spirit which moves in the kindness and solidarity of the oppressed, which riots with them and in them, which haunts them and their enemies alike with visions of better worlds, worlds which break into our own in the moments when the impossible renders itself impossible, or something.
ā
I told my boyfriend that if I had become a priest, I wouldnāt have stopped there.
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/1-vendmiaire-ccxxxi
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/2-vendmiaire-ccxxxi
I still feel sick. things seem to help for a bit, then they betray me.
you donāt know what you dont know you know you donāt know you know
(ā¦)
if i write messy i write messy
tautologies are never merely tautological
ā¦
we have lived many lives, and variations on many lives, and these lives are not merely nor exclusively repetitions buut ellabĀ·rations of rations of souls rations of souls demons in c. s. lewis donāt really make sense, but i do like the worldbuilding as like an exercise in dystopia, a self help book from a dystopia i suppose, how to win souls and influence demons ā¦ ā¦ ā¦ ā¦ ā¦ ā¦ ā¦. ā¦
ā¦
hey its ok just cause you are not writing something in its entierty in a single fell swoop the moment you have an idea doesnāt mean you arenāt working on it or working towards it, this is actually a great resource of ideas youāre building passively and actively in a format that works, thats not hing to nothing to nothing to shake a stick at, presumably a wand or otheer instrument or object which might impart some negative vallence? idk idk idkdkdikdiddkdkdidk
ā¦
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/3-vendmiaire-ccxxxi
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/nrkr2swoy1f104xhj9i001yu11ftps
Xenocommunism
_Bulldozer
WHAT IF AN UNBORN BABY NEEDED TO HAVE AN ABORTION TO SAVE ITS LIFE_Dimitri
Lent as time on Earth, most of the big events occuring around the Lentian season, Lent as seperation from heaven, Lent as respite from Hell, Lent as Purgatory , Purgatory as multiplee lives, but in that case what is the nature of the soul? Do angels take on 7 bodies, or 9, when they are trying to cover 10 years per year, or 10,000 years per year, making themselves lesser and more? do they coalesce in many bodies at once? are the souls of men a nest of angels, like vipers, like bees, like fruits
ā¦
Yetism, Yetis, Yetists
..
but no, see {Mahmoodās { politics of piety }
see embodiment
see nonĀ·mind body body dualism
you feel your feelings, you do your feelings, in the body
there is an apparatus
and there must be in my case an aparatussless feeling, ātaking placeā in an impossible world theorized by me in counterfactual reasoning towards the conclusion that no, we are embodied, and my parents policed my body such that my mind needed to be kept away from certain doing-feelings, and what a relief to be free of them
freedom in practical terms
in forms not usually celebrated in political cannon which itself makes up an important germ of the esp see the petitie bourgouise zie ideolgoy
ā¦
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/nrkr2swoy1f104xhj9i001yu11ftps
āother political scenesā¦ā
Probably. Suicide counts as a sin, often even a worse sin then murder. What about self harm? what is the theology of self harm? thatās kinda actuaally a good writing prompt for me! yayyy i love when my brain produces A Thought!ā¢ good job brain.
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/-x-venddamiere-ccxxxi
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/8-vendmiaire-ccxxxi-
Notes on Cults
There are a lot of things that are cults except that we donāt call them cults.
Cults of :
Nuclear Weapons
Make a wish
Djinn captured/released partly through the satisfaction of a desire of a suffering of a child?
wish granting angels?
angels and messages, works, songs, revelationsā¦spirit? light?
Djinn, fire, desire, power, liberation,
ā¦
Gender waystations, the sick child, the holy child, the prodigy
Farmers
Vetrans
Self Harm
Ritual
Healing
Addiction
Marking time
advertising
help sign
sure, but there are so many other things a signal can mean then help
manipulation, yes
commitment, outward sign of control, hope, intensity
brings focus
brings feelings of strength
masculinity and stoicism āļø āæ āļø
gender and pain, who bears which pain how
politics of masochism, violence, intensity, control, disciplineā¦
self harm in martial arts
ā¦
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/8-vendmiaire-ccxxxi--9aes7
Theology ā
Dimitri mentioned something today about how much it would suck if a God had to live for our sins rather than die for them. Iāve always found that to be a particular problem with Ransom Theoryādoes the resurrection not render void the check cashed by Christās death?
ā¦
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/on793kry0309hgunc6jdjd0wzbsbca
my boyfriend was recently telling me about a certain kind of i think it was disability philosophy which was like, plan for your worst day, you can add things on as opportunities arise, and you can seek out those opportunities, but having viable fallback plan(s) is the starting point
,,,
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/on793kry0309hgunc6jdjd0wzbsbca-ntl8m
| Because debt is an explicitly magical concept and it's been used to shape our world for several millennia.
After reading this book [Debt: The First 5,000 years], I've come to the conclusion that the original meaning of "to curse one's name" is to have their name written down on a debt contract in the storehouse temple.
Why does solomonic magic use contracts? How does one bind another's will? Why is Christ called the redeemer? When we talk about morality, we ask "what do we owe each other?" Why does the concept of morality itself take on the language of debt?
_u/mitchTux
ā¦
i would like to write some letters to myselves.
dreams of driving a strange cool car, helping a coworker get to work in a strange city, discussing unionizing. a couple nights ago dreamed of moving to Pittsburgh, accidentally abandoning my job and freaking out.
cutting as idol worship? blood worship
The self injuring God, self sacrificing God, internal soul economics, random theory of atonement, passion as part of the ritual of incarnation
early Christianity goes reincarnationist? Jude as a lama? a genetic experiment? every generation virgin Marys, apostles, messiahs, ā¦
a monestary of magicians, multiple ordersāhealers, exorcists, prophets, ā¦ ā¦ ā¦ ā¦
anyway, good to have some writing already done before work. 14:11
ā¦
impossible realism, dreamism, exegetic ā¦the world is ending and the world is beginning, jubilee, the burning wheel, the direction of the sun
ā¦
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/zlcfgmo19q785unatmya3fkykhevl3
āangels with no heavensā
my parents imparted the idea that materials donāt really matter, if you need a special planner or checklist or something to get a thing done then youāre just lazy and would waste the stuff if you had it, very protestant work ethic. i remember going to a boy scout eulogy and them talking about the guy always choosing to wake up in a good mood and feeling confusion and being impressed and trying unsuccessfully to brute force my way past my depression, which is how my father always handled his own ~monthly .. .. ā¦ dower moods. awful people, so proud that i escaped.
[headcannon: that guy probably killed himself.]
[sovereignty of the subject. see On Freedom, Drug Fugue, subject as subject to vs subject as sovereign]
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/-23-vendmiaire-ccxxxi-14-october-2022-4-gibbous-waning-reading-update
what iāve been trying to say for a while is that cutting was a kind of writing for me, and i want to explor the political implications of that. for example i feel contradictory and animousity with myself, over issues that are social, ie related to my friends, ā¦ and therefore political, and also i have relations within myself which are comprable to class relations, and gender politics, and so iām curious about and would like to share certain pov insights around tthis specicifc case of subject formation, and maybe if iām lucky say something interesting and profound and radical about politics and society and a call to action and a poem and love letter to the copyeditor encoded in all of the typos and misspellingss that i managed to catch but which is utterly thrown off by my horrible spelling in general lmao
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/dz54zh9jwzi7ycs4d2h4aii1utevvg
lightning struck the temple, nightmares plague the techno aristocracy, the consuls came down with COVID in quick succession, a scandal implicating many senators, a strike disastrously broken up then reinforced by flood and terrorā¦
Xeph as coyote for migrant ghosts
its sharp and grand and romantic. its desperate and hard and soft and delicate.
reality has nothing on the real.
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/ufohb3gc2zawkey2j53w9som0cibm4
i really dig the becoming sacralization
everything Jesus did was a sacrament, poor fucker / lucky fucker couldn't even jack off without implying a an eternal office
see that's the stuff they don't let you say without naming you an heterodox
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/je3nv61cn5erkdxwrcxi0d2fmvzlrm
š
finished Borges' The Wait, really solid last 2 paragraphs, nightmare conservativism? existential conservativism? idk some kind of political through line between Borges, DFW, ā¦ a sort of very Catholic non dualism? idk
š
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/-2-brumaire-ccxxxi-23-october-2022-sixth-waning-crescent-
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/3sewm8jhmbb7u6n3sa7oukc9om64m6
š
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/q3cravw7k25w178yf23xjdp4epbwqo
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/4y1tmxp4441c32carwqqyk8ji29jdo
nightmares of child abuse, distance, time, a shark , control, Nancy Pelosi running a child smuggling abuse ring, fear, pain, loss, anger, frustration, hoteles, hatred, my father building a boat for a race demanding i help, escape, putting bananas in the sharkās mouth ā¦
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/2rgfqzcqyp37igv67qr6bmsdfflkli
ā
ā¦ dreams of parents berrating me for not calling or writing as i roll up and down the street on the elementary school hill getting run over by parades and traffic
ā
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/ok7mw989d6q3fxtm4lvn8iv9kjwmss
dreams: Matteo and i traveling through a dream geography of our town, a long long movie, meaning coffee and distributing it to people i knew in grade school, thefts, findings, flight, a way to tell after someone dies which hell they went to, including demons who get sent to the fire. the Lord declares himself to be a demon incarnate bound for hell and makes a promise of some kind, the people try to overthrow him, a towering house where Matteo and i live, crying about my thesis, q bamboo plant, kittens, architecture, nudity, fear abnegation.
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/dz7xe04l5ny3w94vr010oljkikn2gp
š“
did a ritual under the blood moonābrought a pumpkin to the spirit who saved my life and my headphones a few months ago, also decorated a pumpkin with a sigil i found , added a bunch of my own, might bring back to original place or pass aroudn the apartment idk yet. also listned to acid horizon on hardt and negri and empire and postmodernism and dataism and trasparency as epi-virtue . also burned incense and messaged SD. also wrote a bunch about election day and now iām writing this
https://www.ghosttraffic.net/dayspells/8erm2i6wlr7h80eaeh8ewprnjxvryg
dreams Friday morning were long and involved and i betrayed someone profoundly, and then woke without any mechanism for confession or atonement. i think that was in the afternoon. but at 8am i woke to a of bad thirst, ran to the bathroom, and vomited. i was sick yesterday too, i attribute it to the antibiotics I'm taking for my infected toe. fear.
i went back to bed and slept hard. woke, Michael and i decided to postpone bank trip, try again tomorrow
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š | 24 Brumaire CCXXXI | 14 November 2022 | 20 Waning Gibbous | š ā Ghost Traffic
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Shelter for Our Drugged Out Gods
Shelter, Refuge, Sanctum, Temple
Bled Out, Drugged Out, Cut Up, Wounded, Weeping
Texts
The Scar, Mievile
Bleed Out, The Mountain Goats
Apost(le)ate
Lent
On Freedom, esp. Drug Fuge
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Writing of a Sundered God: Political Theopoetry and the Ritual Annihilation of the Self
examples in literature: Lent, the gospel, Ganesha and his Tusk, Apost(el)ate,
Jesus on the cross, Jesus and Messiahs as bodies which we write upon
cutting as a collapsing of the self into a total moment
totalā totalizing
!Underline ā
? how to type Identity Symbol?
examples in academic research
on Godbuilding
on carl schmitt, Foucault, figure of the authority
the psyche politik, social ontology in stigmatopoetics
suffering and prayer. ocd, continual prayer, rituals to build a self
the ransom theory of attonement, the ransome theory of attonement
Writing to the gods. writing as offering. offering as a returning substance to the gods, a cycle, a circuit. cr. Reddit post on the kemmetic theology of offerings. God etymologically
..
Ongoing Tab? container blogs containing posts on the same project?
COMMENTARY